Harry Potter and the crazy publicity Scam
by chinchilla-in-a-bowl
Summary: Used to be "Harry Potter Magazine" Chap 3 up. Harry is angry when he finds out the dediction of one fan. Surely they must be evil? Right? No, I'm not going to tell you now... Read It and review please
1. Our scene is set

Ok. This is just a very random idea I had. Disclaimer: I own no HP characters, events, or locations. Set in between fifth and six year! I'm sorry if this copies someone else's work. With thousands of stories it's hard to read every one! Ok.. here goes.  
  
That was it. The Wizard population had scraped through the bottom of the barrel, as far as their strange, almost ruthless thirst for information on Harry was concerned.  
  
As he opened his copy of the Daily prophet while lying on his bed at Four, Privet drive, a copy of a free magazine flopped from the pages. This was not Witch's meekly, a women's magazine for shy, tight fisted witches (that's not to say it didn't have a male audience. They just kept themselves to themselves most of the time) but HARRY POTTER MAGAZINE!! Or so the green and orange flashing title told him.  
  
The entire front page was taken up by a picture of him, which seemed to have been doctored somehow- he was sure he had never worn any mascara before in his life. He flipped to the editor's letter.  
  
HI HARRY POTTER FANS! This magazine pays homage to the greatest wizard of all time! Harry Potter beat the dark lord without even really meaning to, and then told us he returned but no one believed him. In our eyes this makes him a hero!  
  
In this weeks edition we interview a person who has never met Harry Potter, but has changed his name to match his! For fashion fans turn to page 22, Harry: What he wears and what it means!  
  
On page 45 we taunt and make fun of everyone who's never heard of Harry Potter! Also look out for insults we can use against Harry Potter's enemies!  
  
Lastly, we'd like to point out that this magazine could have been 'Defence against you know who and his followers' magazine!' But the jury voted 2:3 in favour of this one! Aren't you the lucky ones! (Yes! thought Harry, he hoped they would be sure to think of him while they were being tortured to death (not a laughing matter)) Thank you and have harry (Pun intended!) time reading this copy, which will cost 1g 7s from next issue.  
  
Harry Potter was not able to endorse this magazine, as he was busy fighting dark mutants.  
  
Love Vorking F. Tromedlow, Editor.  
  
Harry flipped to the back; the magazine had 79 pages of pure garbage. For a while he read. According to page 22, whenever he wore green it meant he wanted to sit on grass. After a while threw HP! Aside feeling that the paper would be better used in aeroplane sick bags.  
  
Harry had to stop this magazine. But how? He mused for a while reading 'jinxes for sphinxes.'  
  
Then it, not unlike an egg at a riot, it hit him! He would not tell anyone who could do any thing about it! Instead he would tell Ron and Hermione, who would work on the trying to stop the magazine; but nothing would be really done till the last chapter, where there would be a dramatic showdown between him and the publishing company. (A/N Just because I've said in the 1st chapter doesn't mean it will actually happen! Then again it might!) Harry smiled. Sometimes his intelligence even surprised himself.  
  
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Ok! Cool! Please review. Mr Chinchilla will be happy. 


	2. Public transport war, and a radio show

Right. Thanks for my Review! Disclaimer: Refer to last chapter. Here goes.  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
Mum and dad are up at HQ, why don't you come and stay at the burrow. Naturally Hermione will be here with Ginny, because Ginny doesn't seem to have any friends of her own. Let's try and stop this Magazine! Either that, or we could dedicate it to me. I'm sure 'Ron Weasly magazine' would be a great read.  
  
From Ron  
  
Poor Ron! Thought Harry, Ron was always looking for a way to get his name in the papers. Ron's thirst for publicity had started in the second year when he crashed a car in to a valuable tree. Harry had only found out about Ron's problem when he had found a scrap book under his bed named 'Ron's press cuttings!', as well as the first few pages of his autobiography and a plan about how he would catch Voldemort single handed, using a big fishing net. To this day Harry had never breathed a word of this to anyone, and didn't even ask Ron about it, preferring to read about it in his (Ron's) diary.  
  
Harry sighed collected up his belongings and left Privet Drive without being stopped by The Dursleys, who were at the Zoo with Dudley, trying to help in lose weight by swimming with dolphins. (Strangely the Dolphins were disappearing one by one, and Dudley's breath smelt more fish than ever...) It wasn't until Harry was in the adjoining street that he remembered it was his Birthday, he couldn't quite remember which one.  
  
Harry stuck out his opposite wand arm to catch the Knight train, a much faster cost efficient version of the bus. Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a sign popped up from the ground. "The Knight train is running late due to work being done on the Northern line." Harry sighed- you couldn't trust anything to run on time anymore these days. He stuck out his wand arm and the Knight bus appeared. He climbed on; quite surprised to see his usual stalkers weren't driving the bus- according to the new driver they were running a bus lovers convention in the Bahamas.  
  
As Harry sat down the bus driver shrieked. Harry looked up. The Knight train was coming from the other end of the street a full pelt towards the bus.  
  
"I can't get it moving!" yelled the bus driver, and the train was getting ever closer. Harry stood up to help the driver at the exact same time the driver took his foot of the brake and the bus jumped fifty meters upwards. In the few seconds it was suspended in mid air the train zoomed past below it, and the bus was sluiced with vomit (A/n Sorry disgusting I know) Harry handed a folded copy of HP! Magazine to the person behind to clear them up a bit, got off the bus and hopped on a passing thestral and arrived at the Burrow about 3 hours later.  
  
Harry flopped into an overstuffed chair (How come all HP chairs are over stuffed?) in front of the fire at the burrow. To the left of him, Ron turned on the old radio.  
  
"And today on the wizarding wireless network, we are talking to a man who's playing you know who in a pantomime, closely followed by Harry Potter hour."  
  
Harry looked at the others, dumbfounded. Something smelled fishy, and he wasn't talking about Dudley's breath.  
  
Ok. Now make the chinchilla smile and review please!! 


	3. An early apperance from our favourite ma...

Ok, not many reviews but once it gets going I'm sure everyone will love it. Right? Guys? Love it? Anyhoo.....  
  
Harry paced up and down the room. Where were you most likely to find a person who loved him so much that they started both a magazine and a radio show for him?  
  
"London." suggested Hermione.  
  
"Nah." said Harry. "The way we go on about London you would think there were no other cities in Britain. Maybe we should go somewhere else. Scotland, maybe?  
  
"Wait- you mean there are other cities in Britain?" asked Ron." You got to be Joking right? I mean in the last few years, anything interesting that's happened has always been in London or on a small countryside campsite/ grave yard."  
  
Harry tutted at Ron's ignorance and headed for the fire. "We'll get there using floo powder." He said, whipping out some powder and jumping into the fire. But instead of the nice, pleasant feeling of having burning hot ash up your nose, a great pain started throbbing in his head. He started turning in the fire spinning faster and faster.  
  
To his utmost surprise he fell out in to thin air. And kept falling. And kept- well you get the idea.  
  
Then a voice behind him " Guess who, Mr Potter?"  
  
"Snape?" he said. He didn't really think it was Snape, he had grown out of that a long time ago, but he was finding it hard to let go. Accusing him was so much fun.  
  
"No your other arch nemesis!" replied you know who.  
  
"So you're either Draco Malfoy or Cruella Devil."  
  
"No damn you! I'm Lord Voldemort, the man who makes your trains late, the man who spawned Reality television, the man who makes Mobile phone receptions dodgy under long tunnels, the man who causes power cuts right before your favourite TV show, The man who makes you run out of glue just as you need it, and also the man who makes famous boy wizards fall out of fire places into nothingness."  
  
" Right. One man can do all that? Asked Harry.  
  
"Yes! Well, most of it. I have to owe the mobile phone/bridge thing to the dementors. I owe a lot to them." You know who replied, almost getting teary eyed.  
  
Before it turned into a surreal, Oscar night crossed with your worst nightmare experience, Harry realised something.  
  
"I don't normally see you 'till the last chapter or two."  
  
" I know, and no-ones more sorry than me that I had to see you now. But it looks like my shares in Starbucks © may just reach a peak by the time you and your pubescent pals have worked this one out. So- " AVARDA KEVDARA" he said pointing his wand at Harry.  
  
It was a moment before anyone realised Harry had been hit squarely in the chest. It was another moment before everyone realised what this meant. Harry was dead. Surely not! But then another problem arised. How can you fall down dead when you can't stop falling in the first place?  
  
Strange COME ON FANS OF HP! DO WHAT YOU DO BEST! Review bizarre Fan fiction! 


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